🌱 Why This Matters
Infertility, or difficulty conceiving, often brings about strong emotions like hope, pain, frustration, grief. Hearing well-meaning but thoughtless comments from friends or family can intensify that emotional burden. Certain questions or remarks, even if intended to comfort or encourage, can be dismissive or deeply painful. They may make the person feel judged, misunderstood, or alienated. Instead of advice or judgment, what typically helps is empathy, respect, and willingness to listen.
💡 Why It Hurts
• Infertility is deeply personal; emotionally, physically, socially. Reminders of fertility can trigger sadness, guilt, shame, anger, and grief.
• People trying to conceive frequently face silence and isolation. Without validation or empathy, they may feel invisible.
• Comparisons or suggestions imply they haven’t done enough. That compounds feelings of failure or pressure.
• Every person’s fertility story is different. What worked for someone else, or what seems “logical”, may not apply, but repeating those assumptions can feel like judgment.
🚫 Common Hurtful Phrases (and Why They Harm)
Some of the most common remarks to avoid, and their potential impact on someone struggling with fertility are:
• “Just relax / don’t stress you’ll get pregnant”
Infertility is rarely caused by stress alone. Such comments imply that the problem is psychological, which can feel like blame or oversimplification.
• “When are you going to have kids?” / “Why haven’t you had children yet?”
Repeated questions about parenthood can feel intrusive. They remind the person of what they lack, rather than respecting their privacy and pain.
• “You’re so lucky to be free / you have time / you don’t have kids”
Though meant as a compliment, this can sound dismissive or tone-deaf; as if children were a burden, ignoring the longing the person may feel.
• “Why don’t you just adopt?” or “Just try IVF”
Adoption or fertility treatments are deeply personal and often emotionally and financially complex. Suggesting them as if they’re simple solutions can feel dismissive or insensitive.
• “I know someone who got pregnant naturally / easily”
Comparing fertility journeys makes the person feel judged or defective for theirs being harder. It can dismiss the unique medical or biological challenges they face.
• “At least you have other good things in life, freedom, sleep, money”
Minimising the desire for a child, by highlighting perceived benefits of childlessness, invalidates the grief of infertility and reduces their feelings to a trade-off.
• Talking about your own parenting exhaustion or complaints in front of them (“Kids are so hard,” “Enjoy your freedom while you can,” etc.)
Hearing negative comments about parenthood can feel painful and cruel when you’re longing for a child. What’s joyous for some is painful for others.
✅ What to Do Instead: How to Show Support
People with fertility struggles often say what helps most is:
• Listening without advice or judgment. A simple, “I’m sorry you’re going through this,” “I’m here for you,” or “I can’t imagine how you feel; I’m listening” goes a long way.
• Respecting boundaries. Don’t pressure them with questions about timing, plans, or treatments. If they want to talk, let them lead.
• Offering empathy instead of solutions. Unless asked, skip unasked-for advice about diets, treatments, or alternative routes; these can feel like judgments.
• Recognising their grief or pain. Infertility can feel like loss; not just of a child, but of hopes, identity, or expectations. Validate those emotions rather than dismissing them.
• Being inclusive and sensitive. Don’t exclude them from social events with kids but check in as some days are harder than others. Being seen and remembered matters.
🧭 Final Thoughts
Talking to someone who’s trying to conceive, or struggling to, calls for sensitivity, empathy, and compassion. There’s no magic phrase that magically “fixes” infertility, and platitudes often do more harm than good. The best support is often the simplest: a gentle ear, respect for privacy, acknowledgement of their pain, and genuine kindness. If you want to offer comfort, say, “I’m here for you,” “I’m thinking of you,” or simply “I care.” Silence and presence often matter more than words.
Read more on this in this Parents article.
